In a little under 4 hours, it'll have been one month to the day since you left.

I still have half-done actions borne from habit from when you were with me.

I don't know when or how the feelings of emptiness will last; every time I think they've drained away, the tide comes rushing back once more. I don't know how I keep from drowning. I don't know how I can still have tears.

The nighttime remains the worst time of all, quiet and dark and alone. I fall asleep to podcasts now. It helps make the lonliness seem less real.

I just wish so desperately that you know, that you knew how much I loved you. That you did so much for me. That I would have done anything for you if I could, if I had known.

Did you feel loved, as you laid there on the final night? Did you know the fear and worry I felt? Did you pass feeling me hold you close, my words in your ears, my tears in your fur?

I pray so deeply that you knew, that you know. I loved you I loved you I loved you. I love you.

I'm drying roses from the garden to set with your urn on the shelf. The peach ones are so close to your color, and the red and purple ones make such good contrast. I think they'll look nice with you.

All of my memories of you feel like they're being packed into a box, like the one you sleep in now. I don't know if that's a good thing. You feel more and more distant from me every day. I don't know if that's a good thing.

I worry that I focus too much on the end, that the rest of your life is being overshadowed and replaced by all this uncertain sadness.

I worry that I don't focus enough on it, to reconcile your death in some way. To accept whatever faults of mine led to this.

Either way, I feel like I betray you.

Would you feel that way? I have to think you would not. You would sweetly chirrup and hop into my lap or press your head against my side until I lifted the blanket for you to crawl under. That you would forgive me, whether or not I believe I deserve it. You would know how much I love you, that I tried to do so much, even if it didn't make sense to you, even when you hated it.

At least I hope that you would.

I hope you get these messages somehow. I sincerely pray to whatever or whomever is listening, please let Fluff know what these messages to her say.